Wild Self Love - Remembering the girl who needed a hug
Honestly this picture requires some bravery to share. Although I am fairly comfortable posting nudes this picture is sexual in nature, it was taken by my husband and it is of a women, me , who in that moment feels sexually empowered by her body. I know this picture is going to be too much for some people because in a way it’s too much for me. I know it could be viewed in a way that is objectifying but I’m putting it out here because it scares me but still there is a small part of me that wants too. I wanted to remind myself who I am, how I can love myself, and reminding me of my sexuality is one of the ways I can do that.
I’m going to share a story.
It is not the worst that has happened to me, and it isn’t about abuse or rape or even violence, at least not violence performed by another but this memory fills me with grief as it reminds me there was a time when I really didn’t love myself very much.
I was 18 years old, not yet left for university and still in my home town. My friends and I had gone to a club, I drank too much, but not that much, I was wild - but not in the natural way because I thought I should be, because I thought I was damaged. I was underweight, spent most of my days thinking about food. I was in love but that love was inaccessible and I was in a relationship that wasn’t really a relationship. It caused me pain. I had fun that night, in a way. I kissed a boy and it felt good in the moment but then later that night that boy came to pick me up in his red mini and I will always remember that car. He drove me home and we parked down the street. We started kissing and that kissing lead to touching, as it often does in teens. I think the boy was a bit older but I don’t really know, he was a footballer or something, not that it matters. He was touching me and I never ever touched anyone else, I didn’t touch him, I just sat there and let it happen. I was always too scared to actually touch a man, I didn’t know why until later. And he was touching me but it didn’t feel good, it was too intense. I didn’t know until later why it was too intense, when I later had fragments of memories come back to me. I wasn’t a virgin at this point, I’d had an orgasm before but it always felt like tension, it never felt good.
Poor boy. In a way he was really trying but for me it was too much. So I said - “you know you can just fuck me” and he said “what ? Really ? “ and I said “yes”. So he did. And I remember my back sticking into the gear stick and it being very cramped in that red mini. And then in ended and I got out and I walked home and this was all under consent but it didn’t feel good and it wasn’t from love and it wasn’t from self love. I never saw him again. We exchanged numbers. He text me a couple of times. I think he even tried to date me but there wasn’t a part of me that felt enough.
This memory fills me with grief for that little, not so little girl and I just want to give her a hug and tell her it’s ok, that she doesn’t have to be like that .. that one day .. she’s going to learn to really love herself.